Yesterday I read a Facebook status that greatly unsettled me. For a bit I wished I hadn’t read it. Funny, how one can get dragged in other people’s dramas, even on Facebook and even without taking an active part in it. The pain that emanated from the post made me wince. It was uncomfortable. It still is.
From the outside, it was crystal clear what this person’s ‘issues’ are.
‘Let go of control, for God sake! You are fighting whilst life wants you to surrender!’
The way I shouted on the inside showed me that the words I’ve read touched a raw nerve in me.
The truth is… I have an addiction to control myself. It clutters my being. It clutters my mind.
If I do X, then Z may happen and if Z happens then I might get Y. It’s not even conscious sometimes. I strategise a lot, expending my precious energy on trying to get an outcome my mind thinks is good for me. It’s like playing a complex chess game with life.
Except, I don’t know how to play chess…
And all illusion dissipates when my little boy gets ill. Nothing major at the moment. A nasty cough and other symptoms you may not want to know about. But my being is shaking. Maybe it’s sleep deprivation. Or maybe it’s recognition that we do not have control over life.
All we can do is to surrender.
Surrender does not mean give up. Surrender is much more spacious. It’s underpinned by trust: trust in life, trust in universe, trust in the bigger picture. When we surrender we trust that life will hold us when we fall, that it’s got our backs, that whatever is happening for our highest good.
Easier said than done though… Particularly where my little boy is concerned.
But the truth is no matter how much I worry, I cannot protect him from germs. He gets colds. Sometimes they get to his chest. Then I deal with what is. If I cut the worrying out and fighting life, the whole process maybe a lot less painfull. I may stop freezing every time he coughs. I may stop wasting my energy on flapping. I may start using it to support him in a more meaningful and constructive way.
I am putting out a prayer for surrender. Please, join me.