C is for Caspian #atozchallenge

CDear Caspain

My precious, precious boy. You are my messenger of love. No, it’s not just because you are a Valentine’s boy. It’s because you taught me how to love.

You see, I grew up confusing love with worrying. My grandma worried sick about me. All the time. I thought that was because she loved me. And even though some of her worst nightmares came true, I still didn’t realise that worrying had nothing to do with loving.

So long before you had arrived, I worried. I worried before every scan. I worried about the impact of those scans on you. I worried when they induced me. You weren’t ready to come out, so the whole thing was traumatic. I worried that in the end I resorted to pain relief. I worried that your birth wasn’t natural and serene. I worried that my worrying was affecting you, but couldn’t stop myself. I worried you didn’t put enough weight fast enough. I worried that I wasn’t feeding you well. After all, all other mums seemed to make 10-course meals for their babies every day. I worried when you kicked off your blanket in the night, so I hardly slept for seventeen months. I worried you might catch a cold. I worried if your hat wasn’t on properly, or you didn’t wear enough layers. To cut the long story short, if worrying was loving, then no one loved you as much. Ever.

Then I started getting a real cause for worrying. As you developed breathing difficulties and we ended up at children’s hospital, I worried sick. I hovered over you willing to take your pain away but unable to do much.

‘The best thing you can do is to relax,’ your daddy used to say.

As you can imagine, it didn’t go down very well. I used to get angry with him. Surely he didn’t love you enough if he didn’t worry as much as I did? And why would he stop me from loving, I mean, worrying about you?

Then I started getting a similar message from others. You got a croup several times and when we took you to a doctor, he said the best thing for us all to do is to r-e-l-a-x. It wasn’t easy. Needless to say, every cough and every sneeze of yours made me hyperventilate. I was on the lookout for any symptoms all the time..

Luckily for all of us, I got pregnant again. As the pregnancy progressed and it became harder for me to hover over you, you became happier. You grew out of your breathing difficulties. You blossomed into a confident toddler.

And as I took a step back, I realised that all this time I’ve been so confused about loving. Loving wasn’t making sure nothing bad happened to you. Loving wasn’t protecting you from life itself. Loving was holding you gently and letting you grow and unfold. Loving was setting healthy boundaries. Loving was laughing and being carefree sometimes. Loving was looking at what was triggered in me, as opposed to stopping things happening to you.

So my precious-precious, Caspian. Thank you for teaching me so much about love.

With much love, always.

Your mummy. xx

Thank you for reading. This post is a part of the April A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme is ‘love letters’. And while you are here, let’s connect on Facebook and Twitter too.

36 thoughts on “C is for Caspian #atozchallenge

  1. O my goodness Gulara .. I’m not sure what to say … I feel as if an arrow has pierced my heart. Thank you for showing us the debilitating effects of worry, something that I am still not able to escape. Love conquers all …

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Isn’t it amazing how life keeps throwing ‘things’ at a person, so that person can learn from it?
    Thanks to your so open and honestly stories, people can read these and discover their on opportunities to learn. So glad I found your blog/site.
    Kind regards, Patty

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What a beautiful letter. I feel a lot of this worry for my children as well, but you are right that worrying does not equal love. My own toddlers are definitely happier regardless of whether I worry or not, but I know they do love me. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It is hard not to worry about our children, but we DO have to let them be who they are. Also, it is amazing how much our children pick up from us. I am so glad that you listened to others and that Caspian BLOOMED!! I LOVED your excellent post!

    Liked by 1 person

      • I think it’s sometimes a natural consequence for some of us when we have a first child. So much we don’t know, so many questions, things we’ve never experienced before and know little about. I think often the second acts as a buffer and we start to feel more confident and competent perhaps. Just a thought. I only ever had one child.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I think it’s often is the case with an only child. It’s hard to relax – they are so precious. I hope your husband finds a way to relax and enjoy him more. And I’m so glad the post resonated with you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I so relate to this—I was the same. If I didn’t worry and protect them, I wasn’t being a loving mother. You’ve realised a lot earlier than me—it took me about eighteen years of motherhood before I could step back. In our defence, I think being overprotective is probably better than being negligent or not caring at all! I think our kids know it comes from a well meaning place—from love. But I look now at all my wasted energy—if I’d let them be, they still would have been fine! xx

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  6. Gulara, I could relate to an extent of your worrying with the birth of your first child. I was so anxious before our son was born and this for some time afterwards too. For me, my complication was having hydrocephalus, which had severely impacted my life in my 20s and I couldn’t look after myself. Not unsurprisingly, I was concerned about whether I could look after our son. I kept rearranging his clothes and room before he was born and being anxious I wouldn’t recogize him afterwards, I took our own blanket for him to be wrapped up in. I stressed out about the noise in the hospital. Wouldn’t bath him alone. I didn’t know that pre and post natal anxiety was such a thing. Went to a support group and as he gained strength and wasn’t so vulnerable, I started to relax.
    This anxiety rekindles whenever we experience major change. He recently started high school but I do my research. Know that its only anxiety and move forward. Action is apparently a good antidote.
    Thanks for sharing.
    xx Rowena

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so sorry to hear how hard it was for you, Rowena. Pregnancy is worrying for most women. It’s even harder when we have reasons to worry. I’m glad you got the support you needed at the time and gradually relaxed. Action is a great antidote – I love this nugget of wisdom from you. Perhaps next time I start worrying, I channel my energy into doing something constructive. I’m deeply grateful for your sharing here. Many blessings, Gulara xx

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