It’s hard to write a love letter to you given how dysfunctional you have been. Am I really related to you by blood? I never felt I belonged with you.
I grew up to call you confusing names. Deep down I knew my grandparents weren’t my parents, my mum wasn’t my sister and my uncles weren’t my brothers. I said the words, but they felt off somehow. Until I figured out the truth, it didn’t sit right. No one spoke about it to me openly, of course. I had to work it out on my own.
I felt so alone amongst you. An oddball. Didn’t know what to make of it. I wondered whether I took after my dad’s side of the family. Since I’ve never met him, I could only guess. But from the snippets of your conversations, it sounded like I didn’t belong with them either.
Sometimes, I wondered whether there was something wrong with me. My dreams and aspirations seemed to be out of your world. Your priority was to keep me small and safe. I wanted to grow big and fast. I thought if I grew up and ran away far enough, you couldn’t stop me from growing.
Sadly, when I left, I took you all with me. I’ve been carrying you and your notions of life and love for a long time.
I’m letting go of those old ways now. They haven’t served me. I found a new world where I’m much happier. I’m letting go of you too. Surely, it’s not nice for you to be dragged around either. I thought if I let go, it means abandoning and betraying you. Actually, sometimes letting go is the most loving and compassionate thing one could do.
I still love you, and always will. Thank you for giving me my life. Thank you for caring for me the best you knew how to.
With much love, G xx