I know, I know, you hate it when people call you ‘Gulush’. Even though it means ‘laughter’, you don’t like it. It’s so… Azerbaijani. It’s OK at home, but in public, it’s embarrassing. You’d much rather they call you Gulya. Russian-ised nickname sounds so much softer to your ear.
Apparently your dad named you. Name and surname – this is all you’ve got from him. The only time you hear your full name is when grandma is cross with you.
Anyway, Gulush, I digress. I know you had a tough life. Sometimes, I wonder how you had survived all the pain and grief, betrayal and abandonment. There was so much of it that your heart got shattered into dust.
But listen, one day, you’ll be all right. You’ll grow to teach law at university in England. Why are you laughing? Yes, you! And you know what else? You’ll write several books about your life. No kidding. Yes, your life is important. What you’ve been through, that darkness you inhabited for so long will transform into light. Believe it or not, one day you’ll have a happy family with two wonderful kids and loving husband. Stop laughing! Well, actually, feel free to laugh. It’s nice to hear when you laugh so heartedly.
Anyway, I’m writing to apologise. You see when the going was tough, I abandoned you. Perhaps, that’s what hurt you more than anything else. I cut off my body and my emotions. They were too big to feel. So, I disassociated. If only I was busy enough, I wouldn’t have time and space to feel your sadness…. I hope you can forgive me. That was all I could do at the time.
I’m writing now to say I love you. I always did (even when you didn’t feel it) and I always will.
Grow safely. There’s a great future ahead of you.
Your Future self. xx