P is for Parvin #AtoZchallenge

PDear Parvin,

Ever since we started going to school together, I had mixed feelings towards you. On one hand, I greatly admired you. You were calm and focused. You studied well. Your braids were the longest in the school. Your mum adored you and dedicated her entire life to supporting you and your success. You were rich and could afford anything you wanted.

On the other hand… all of that pushed my buttons. I secretly competed with you, even though I stood no chance. I was too emotional, blushing uncontrollably in front of our classmates or feeling jittery before a maths test. I studied well, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get to the perfection I strived for. My mum chopped my hair off and refused to braid it. She never had much time for me, and her priorities were elsewhere. My family was poor, and there wasn’t spare money to buy what I wanted.

So, for many years I envied your life. At some irrational level, I wanted to be you. Oh, how did I want your mum to be mine! Your life was perfect. You graduated from school with distinction. You got into university. You had a rich university life with good friends from good families. You got married upon graduation and produced two children. When I met you in 2002, 10 years after graduating from school, you were working at the same university as your mum did and being as happy as one can be in our home town. Two years ago you became an acting director of the university where you worked, as well as an active member of the dominant political party. Last year you were running for the elections as a member of national parliament. Strange to think you were one of my mum’s competitors. No doubt you succeeded. I don’t even bother to ask around. Your daughter was admitted to the medical school last year. Strange thought, given that mine still crawls under the table….

But here’s the thing.

I don’t want your life. It may look perfect by our home-town standards from the outside, but I have no idea how you feel on the inside. I’ve wasted so much precious energy trying to fit into that box of expectations. The further my life dragged me away kicking and screaming from that box, the more miserable I became. I was brought up on the notion that that how life should look like.

Mine didn’t.

And thankfully, I don’t want that anymore.

So, this is just a quick note to say hi and to send you love. I wish you well and hope you are happy.

My path was so different to yours. I wish someone pointed that out to me. Sooner.

With love

Gulya x

Thank you for reading. This post is a part of the April A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme is ‘love letters’. And while you are here, let’s connect on Facebook and Twitter too.

 

29 thoughts on “P is for Parvin #AtoZchallenge

    • It’s true – we often compare what we feel inside to the external circumstances which gives us no true comparator. That’s why gremlins of comparison are so harmful. Thanks for reading, Patty. Kind regard to you too.

      Liked by 2 people

    • All we can do is to be who we are in life. In fact, that the best thing we can do.
      I feel so much suffering happens because we have an idea how life ‘should’ look like and when it doesn’t match the picture, it’s as if we failed. Thanks for reading 🙂

      Like

  1. Interesting that you categorise this under ‘love’letters; it’s not entirely clear where the love comes in, at first. But then you realise that such competitions and comparisons are futile and indeed probably one-sided. However, without them we might not see clearly what we have. So we are grateful – we offer our thanks – for those insights that arise from an unknowing catalyst and a ‘love’ letter makes sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I receive a daily meditation. One day the meditation was about competition, and I paraphrase, but to compete against another takes away from our own qualities and gifts. It is sad that we have to wait until we grow up to learn these messages. Great letter!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “My path was so different to yours.” I think it’s what matters most in life. When we aknowledge that our path is ours and not anyone else’s it’s a great accomplishment. We avoid pain and wasting time. Too bad that it usually takes quite a significant amount of time to most of us to understand. By the way I think we all have a Parvin in our lives. See you tomorrow, Gulara.

    Liked by 1 person

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