S is for Sama #AtoZchallenge

SDear Sama,

I was so pleased when we became friends at the age of 10. It was a difficult time for me. My mum re-married and left for Latvia. Left behind with my grandparents, I was lost, angry and sad. I wasn’t allowed to show any of those emotions, of course. So, I did my best to press on with life. Your company gave me solace and support no other friendship offered. To an extent, I hid behind your strength and courage.

I was amazed at how you were you at all times. You didn’t compromise your feelings or thoughts to please others. Sure, you didn’t always come across as polite and considerate. I was the master of those virtues. Instead, you were authentic. Authenticity was an alien concept to me at that time. It wasn’t practiced by people I knew and loved. It was distinctly dangerous, and as far as I could tell you were not loved more for that quality. Being in integrity and alignment with yourself were empty words to me.

I still enjoyed your company though. We were inseparable during breaks at school and we walked home together. When we got home, we usually called each other. Your big personality filled up all my space, and for the first few years I was grateful.

After a while, it became challenging though. As I tried to find my own identity, your strong views started to weigh me down. Based on your words, I was convinced that I was ugly and stood no chance of being admitted to university based on my knowledge. I started secretly resenting you.

A month and a half before we finished school, I ended our friendship. I walked away and shut the door on our friendship. Your critical voice was holding me back. I had to get into university. No one was going to pay a bribe to get me in, so somehow, I had to do it myself. And the first step was to get you out of my head. Everyone tried to reconcile us. ‘It’s not long, just pretend for a month. You can walk your separate paths afterwards.’

For the first time ever, I refused to be nice.

We didn’t see each other for 10 years. At our school reunion, which of course was at yours, we made polite conversations without dwelling into the past. Right after, I disappeared again.

I called you in December 2011 when I was visiting my grandma in our hometown. Needless to say that even after 20 years, I still remembered your phone number. You picked up the phone and it was like we were back at school, as if we never stopped talking. It was amazing to pick our friendship up where we’ve left it.

Since that chat, I’ve seen you twice. You are still the same you. And even though our lives couldn’t be further apart, I still love you. Thank you for showing me how to stay true to myself.

With love,

Gulya xx

Thank you for reading. This post is a part of the April A to Z Blogging Challenge. My theme is ‘love letters’. And while you are here, let’s connect on Facebook and Twitter too.

28 thoughts on “S is for Sama #AtoZchallenge

  1. I have a girlfriend like that and occasionally we write emails to each other, if we feel like it. You can still love a person like that, like to know how she’s doing, but from a distance 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. Yes, it’s easy to drift when relationships don’t work out. They still can consume energy if there’s something unresolved. Thank you for your kind words about being perceptive 🙂 Glad you enjoyed the thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lovely Gulara! Took me to old times with old friends and most of them have drifted apart… in so many perfect relationships complications arise out of nowhere and old times never revive! Glad yours did…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Gulara, this post rips my heart out. Even though our lives were quite different, there are strong similarities… afraid of being authentic. Sadly, I have not stayed connected with my childhood friends, but I do have friends from high school and college. Plus, it still shocks me that a mother would leave her child behind to be raised by grandparents. You have done an EXCELLENT job of growing up and taking care of yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Gwynn. I think in the midst of trauma we just get on with life, don’t we. It’s only years later, I started processing all of that. Blogging has been an excellent aid. Thank you for all your support.


  4. So much emotion coming through this post, Gulara. Remembering your friend’s phone number after 20 years of life. A shared past, a day of decision. Also, a parent moving away. I kept thinking about the separation scars, although I’m sure there was plenty to help with those. A wonderfully human post. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Silvia. I was amazed to remember her number. I was amazed even more when she answered. By then I moved a country, and so many people from my childhood still live at the same address. It’s like a different world I used to inhabit. I’m glad we are still in touch. She was my best friend and it was a relationship I treasured. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I’m glad you like them. I enjoyed the challenge too, though soon I’ll need to take your advice and become a bit more creative. What on earth I’m going to do with X? 🙂 We’ll find out.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Strong friendships can benefit from breaks, although I think that we are maybe meant to live such relationships only occasionally. We live them with such intensity that we need to break through in order to move on. This reminds me of the extraordinary novels by Elena Ferrante. Here in the US, the four novels form a series called The Neapolitan Novels. It’s the story of an intense friendship between two girls until they are grown up women. If you haven’t read them, go ahead.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I think it takes great personal conviction to end a bad relationship, but sometimes we all need to do it. When you try to force a friendship it just makes everyone bitter in the end. Letting go and moving on while some of the old good feelings still linger is a better choice. That leaves a chance of a happy reconciliation down the road when you’re both much different people.

    Liked by 1 person

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