A couple of days ago I was attending a social event at work. We were welcoming the first year students, and I was chatting with four of my colleagues. At some point, one of the colleagues I greatly admire but haven’t had a chance to have much contact with says:
‘I read your blog. It’s really good, you know.’
My response was … fifty shades of pink.
I could feel how blood rushed into my face only to flood down into my feet and back again. My colourful reaction was not lost on my colleagues, who were now full of curiosity as to what on earth I do on my blog to have this reaction.
‘It was a secret.’ I choked. ‘I kept my academic life and writing separate.’
At this point, my lovely colleague started apologising, because, of course, she had no idea.
It was a powerful wake-up call. I realised that although I’ve been doing this blogging thing for close on two years, I’ve been hiding in plain sight. I did all the right things: post regularly, engage with readers, share my posts, but deep down, at some energetic level, I was saying ‘Please, don’t notice me, keep going, just pretend you didn’t see me. I’m not ready.’ At conscious level, I wanted to make a bigger impact, but when there’s a discord between what we think we want and what we energetically project into the world, our efforts don’t pay off.
So, as I do, I went and had a session about it.
And here’s what I uncovered: I realised where my discomfort with the academic world came from. It turns out when I go to work, I leave my writing and what some people may consider woo-woo parts at home. No wonder it was painful! Bringing only one dimension of myself to the table was like dissecting parts of my soul; as a result, not being fully me at work felt painful, to say the least.
I’ve reflected on this a great deal in the last few days, and I realise that I’ve been doing the same thing on my blog. My writing and academic selves are welcome here, but woo-woo parts? Not so much. Yes, sure, I’ve written a sales page and I offer free meditations from time to time, but I don’t talk to you much about how I live and breathe this work. It’s not something I do occasionally when I’m stuck. This woo-woo thing is a big part of my daily life. I believe with every fibre of my soul that when I have an internal shift, my external reality transforms effortlessly. I know from personal experience that an effective change comes from within; take all the action in the world: if internally you are not prepared to step into your power, the external activity would either render slow results or prove fruitless in the end. My blogging, while energetically hiding, is the case in point here.
Another question that kept bothering me was why did I keep my woo-woo parts quiet on the blog?
It turns out that a part of me believed that if my readers think that I fall apart, they wouldn’t turn to me for help.
Of course, I fall apart! I’m only a human. But… I now have the tools. So, if I used to get triggered and get identified with that triggering for days, now I can shift its effect within hours or sometimes even within minutes. As any healer or therapist would testify, knowing these techniques does not immunise us from life events. Stuff happens. What’s different is that I can deal with it now. And actually, despite the discomfort, I also welcome it. Because when I get triggered, it shows me what needs my attention and the patterns I have outgrown.
Is this part of me new to you? I know I was dropping hints here and there, but deep down I wasn’t allowing myself to be fully me with you. And of course, people pick up on that.
When we say half-truths to protect ourselves, our words don’t connect with people.
So, I’m coming out the closet. With my new website, I want to take this opportunity to be fully me in this space. I’ll be honest. I have no idea how being fully me will translate into blogging.
Being real includes the willingness to try things out and even make mistakes.
Welcome new Gulara, unedited, on a bad hair day.