Why I write
I write because writing helps me to make sense of my life. Putting past events and traumas outside of myself allowed me to see my life with more clarity and to have more compassion for other people too. If before I saw only my side of the story, writing helped me to tap into the perspective of other people.
When I started writing, I had masses of resistance to it. I had a lot of sexual trauma in the past, which I kept hidden from everyone. For many years I was convinced that my life depended on keeping my past secret. Writing a book which involved unravelling what’s been hidden for so long was painful to say the least.
I remember having a self-imposed writing retreat for 10 days before I started working with Barbara Turner-Vesselago, my writing mentor, in June 2012. My aim was to write down the worst memories and events of my life so that they didn’t come up when I worked with Barbara. So much shame was attached to those events that the thought of being exposed felt unbearable. Yet my soul wanted me to write. It was not negotiable.
Writing now feels as natural as breathing. When I’m in my writing flow, I feel as if I am possessed (in a good way). I pray there are no interruptions and writing is akin to channelling information. It’s as if something writes through me, and I just need to sit still in front of my laptop and allow the words to pour out. I don’t pause to re-read or negotiate every word. In those moments, I’m falling into the unknown, and don’t know where the story may take me.
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