So I’ve lost my mojo.
Mojo? What’s that, you may ask.
Good question. For the last few years I had a sense of moving in the ‘right’ direction. I put one foot in front of the other, and told myself that no matter how slow the progress may seem, I’m progressing. Somehow, that certainty has evaporated lately.
I’m sitting in the ‘unknown’ with nowhere to turn for escape.
You see, I think the way I coped in the past was like this: if one area of my life didn’t work to my liking, I looked for refuge in another. So, if things were difficult in a relationship, for example, I worked extra hard at work to numb out. If things were not great at work, I sought comfort in food. But right now, there’s nowhere to hide.
- I’m insanely busy at work, just literally managing to stay afloat and not drown under the weight of teaching, marking, students’ welfare, research – the list is so long, I feel tired just naming the stuff I’ve got to do right now.
- Comfort eating is the thing of the past. I’m on a diet right now. To be honest, it’s wrong to call it a diet, it’s my new lifestyle: no sugar, no flour, no snacking. Three healthy meals a day. Oh, and moderate portions. I’m loosing about 1,5-2 kilos a week at the moment. It’s been three weeks so far.
- In light of the above, I’m a bit overstretched to be loving and connected at home. My default is when things get tough to disconnect and withdraw into my shell. It’s not a particularly healthy habit, but it’s what I’ve done to survive, so I can easily slip into this pattern.
- Since there’s so little time and energy for anything, my 1:1 work and all the effort around building consistency, ‘brand’, whatever you want to call it is gone out of the window. I know it’s only temporary but I find it disappointing, because people reported amazing things happening in their lives after working with me.
- And my book? My patient little book…. It’s stuck too.
Remember that mid-life crisis I mentioned in early January? It’s still on.
For me the most challenging thing is not to move – to stay still and wait to gain clarity before I take action. I feel my whole identity is changing. Most of my life, I worked hard to be what people wanted me to be. I’ve had enough. Life is too short and I’m not willing to compromise who I am anymore. The trouble is…. I don’t know who I am. Of course I know at some level. And there’s also a part of me which feels confused. The agenda and wishes of others are falling away, so I keep asking ‘what do I want?’ The answer to that question depends largely on ‘who I am’. Yep, I’m back to square one.
So, if you see my mojo, please, send it my way. I’m ready to surrender.