Have You Seen My Mojo, Folks?

So I’ve lost my mojo.

Mojo? What’s that, you may ask.

Good question. For the last few years I had a sense of moving in the ‘right’ direction. I put one foot in front of the other, and told myself that no matter how slow the progress may seem, I’m progressing. Somehow, that certainty has evaporated lately.

I’m sitting in the ‘unknown’ with nowhere to turn for escape.

You see, I think the way I coped in the past was like this: if one area of my life didn’t work to my liking, I looked for refuge in another. So, if things were difficult in a relationship, for example, I worked extra hard at work to numb out. If things were not great at work, I sought comfort in food. But right now, there’s nowhere to hide.

  • I’m insanely busy at work, just literally managing to stay afloat and not drown under the weight of teaching, marking, students’ welfare, research – the list is so long, I feel tired just naming the stuff I’ve got to do right now.
  • Comfort eating is the thing of the past. I’m on a diet right now. To be honest, it’s wrong to call it a diet, it’s my new lifestyle: no sugar, no flour, no snacking. Three healthy meals a day. Oh, and moderate portions. I’m loosing about 1,5-2 kilos a week at the moment. It’s been three weeks so far.
  • In light of the above, I’m a bit overstretched to be loving and connected at home. My default is when things get tough to disconnect and withdraw into my shell. It’s not a particularly healthy habit, but it’s what I’ve done to survive, so I can easily slip into this pattern.
  • Since there’s so little time and energy for anything, my 1:1 work and all the effort around building consistency, ‘brand’, whatever you want to call it is gone out of the window. I know it’s only temporary but I find it disappointing, because people reported amazing things happening in their lives after working with me.
  • And my book? My patient little book…. It’s stuck too.

Remember that mid-life crisis I mentioned in early January? It’s still on.

letting goFor me the most challenging thing is not to move – to stay still and wait to gain clarity before I take action.  I feel my whole identity is changing. Most of my life, I worked hard to be what people wanted me to be. I’ve had enough. Life is too short and I’m not willing to compromise who I am anymore. The trouble is…. I don’t know who I am. Of course I know at some level. And there’s also a part of me which feels confused. The agenda and wishes of others are falling away, so I keep asking ‘what do I want?’ The answer to that question depends largely on ‘who I am’. Yep, I’m back to square one.

So, if you see my mojo, please, send it my way. I’m ready to surrender.

14 thoughts on “Have You Seen My Mojo, Folks?

  1. That feeling of being stuck is awful Gulara – I empathise with you. As well as the feeling of doing for others what seems unable to translate to you. I wish I could offer some words of solace or inspiration to you – as I write, maybe pull a tarot card? or do an IChing? Timing is all – and maybe now is the time to be quiet amidst all the busy-ness. Well done on gaining lightness! I’ll take your words to heart re sensible eating smaller portions and no snacking in between –

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have no doubt you’ll find it, Gulara. The answer just takes a while to come sometimes. I think it’s good to retreat when troubled, and come out again when it’s sorted. Minds can only cope with so much and they gets consumed sometimes! I hope you have someone to talk to—someone ‘safe’ and reliable—and don’t worry about letting extraneous things go for now—they’ll still be there when you return and you’ll find you’ve lost nothing. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am afraid your mojo is travelling the world together with mine. Be sure they will be back, full of wisdom and hopefull surprises.
    Please take care and love the person inside you. She is tired for now, but so beautiful and ready to grow!
    Love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my dear Gulara…I don’t need to tell you ‘this’ is normal and part of your journey. I just wrote it to another dear friend too: “What would you advice someone in your situation? Probably, you will find the right answer for you too”.
    Did you know that we go through seven-year phases in life? Look at your age, maybe if you look back, in periods of seven years, you might see a recurring pattern 😉
    Don’t try to adjust/change to much at once. Trying out a new diet/lifestyle during busy overwhelming times, I wouldn’t advice that to anyone. It’s all about priorities, stick to what is really important right now: your job and your family 😉
    It’s ok to pause, to relax, to let certain matters/task just be for a while. Be careful, don’t let your lost mojo turn into a burnout!
    Sending you healing and calming energy and a huge hug! XxX
    ps…I am an email away, if you need a listening ear 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I absolutely understand where you are coming from. Academia parenthood partner and self are so many things to juggle. The only thing I can think of is to take satisfaction in the little steps forward. I don’t know if we ever find out the full picture of who we are.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Perhaps it’s a stage, a period in time… I do experience the same and it is tricky to not get into a bad habit. I don’t even think I know how to get back to myself or I probably don’t even know when I am back. And yes, there are moments I am not sure I know who I am. Maybe patience and openness help…?? Thinking of you and sending you positive loving energies.

    Liked by 1 person

      • My pleasure, Gulara. Sometimes, we just allow ourselves to float until we know how to swim and where to… where I am right now, but good all the same. I’m glad to hear you’re letting it be how it wants to be right now. 🙂 Much love and hugs xxx

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  7. I feel for you, Gulara. You share such wisdom and encouragement with all of us. Now it’s your turn to share it with yourself. You don’t need to be everything to everybody – only to yourself. You need to look after yourself, look at what you want and what is achievable. Perhaps it’s not necessary to try to achieve everything at once. Small steps, small bites, big breaths. Breathe – in – out. You’re okay, just the way you are. You are lovable and loved. You don’t need to be anything else. Take care of you. Hugs. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Norah, such wise words, I wanted to print it out and stick it somewhere I see daily. I am taking space to figure out all of that, and take baby steps towards what really matters to me. It’s a process and I’m committed to staying with it however uncomfortable at times.
      P.S. Sorry for the delay in replying. I was away visiting my grandma for the last time… Thank you for all your love and support. Big hug.xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Gulara, no apology is ever necessary. Each of us do what we can, and probably more than we should, but less than we “should” on ourselves.
        I’m sorry to hear about your last visit to your grandma. I hope it was pleasant and a memory to treasure.
        I hope there are more smooth than rocky paths in your journey. Take care. xo

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, Norah, for your kind words and the reminder to be kinder to myself. It’s work in progress 🙂 and I must say I’m finally learning. Little by little. Hope you are well. xo

        Liked by 1 person

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